Think. Think. Think.

I had a blog written, if it were on paper it would have been three pages long probably but I thought better of it and now here I sit just telling about it.

Things are busy. I will have to post some pics of a recent safety fair we just went to.

Bonded by ink!

Yep, you read it right...and no I am not talking about me and RC (he is to chicken to get a tattoo), but me and my little sis' we went last night. It was supposed to get things priced and see what it would cost but WELL, the price was good, we got a good vibe and it just seemed like the perfect time to get it done and so we did!

It was my sisters first tattoo and I thought she was nervous but she took it like a champ, no tears, no crying, maybe a few cringes but that is to be expected! I was so proud of her and the reason behind her tattoo:

Her friend passed away and she decided that since his 1 year "deathiversary" is coming up what better way to remember him than to have him with her forever. His name is Richard Alexander Miller (thats what the initials are for on the petal) and he took his life on 2-2-09. They were great friends and I am glad I was there to have this done for her friend.

Here are some pics of her "first time" hehe:




I got one to, and it was great, hurt more than my first one but only because it was RIGHT by the spine on the nape of my neck. Either way it was totally worth it and I am sure I will be back again for a 3rd haha :)

The meaning and the pics for mine: It is a heart for Rian, with stitches, oh man. I got to see the outline first, and I had already loved it but then, with me as the cry baby, he showed me the end result and I cried! I loved it. It means so much to me to have this tattoo. LOVE IT.

And the pics:



And the end of the sister bonding:



The cutest part of the night was that we left and the girls and RC were totally playing around, balancing on RC's knees and such and when we got back two hours later they were passed out on the couches. I love it, so adorable :)

The "final days" and a toothache...

As a quick update. Rian has been home now for two days. He is doing GREAT so far. It's pretty freaking awesome, however of course I have that part of me that is skeptical and YES I have been making Rian wear no less than a sweater and jacket when we go outside (along with having his hoodie on). ALSO, my sister Ashley has come down to help for a couple weeks (little does she know it will be that long hehe), and we are soo happy to have her out here. The greatest part is that she gets to spend all that quality time with the kids, help us out and make our lives just THAT much easier, especially right now with all the stuff we have going on.

In other news, Carina has been to the dentist now THREE times, and actually it was THREE different dentists. This kid with her teeth kills me! She has actually been doing a really great job, even the FIRST dentist said so but a couple years back she had a not so great tooth that had sorta decayed before it even came out of her gums! So, we got it taken care of but the bad news was that she HATED IT, we had a horrible experience and the did a crappy job which we are now paying for. How you ask, well, we have to get her a root canal. NOT because her tooth is bad but because they didnt FILL the tooth properly the first time so the part of the nerve that was left is not sensitive to EVERYTHING. So yeah, Monday we have an appointment and until then she is on Tylenol with Codein (sorry if I spelt that wrong) and Amoxicillin. Not to mention any Motrin in between all that to keep the pain away. NOW, if you know Carina you know she is a drama queen and although I am sure it hurts she goes from laughing to tears and screaming at us about how we suck and can't help her. Haha. SERIOUSLY. So maybe all these drugs will just knock her out until Monday and we can all rest easy :)

So outside of that excitement not much else is going on, I emailed my boss, sucked it up, and I guess we will see what the outcome is. I hope its a big fat raise, haha, but we all know life is just not that simple. Meh. So is life. All I got back (after he read my million paragrah, very professional and NON emotional email) was
"I will have to process this"..man, that can't be good. Haha.

OH well, I will keep you all updated on that whole situation but until then...HERE ARE SOME PICS! Yay pics!

Day 3
Mommy and Rian
Rian in the wagon he loved!
Daddy acting like an old man a.k.a HIMSELF :)
Rian and Daddy, Rian was tired of pics!
Rian watching the fishies...he was in love!
We weren't allowed to have KID visitors in the second Pediatric ward we went to but Uncle Richie and Grandpa Rich drove 26 hours (round trip) to see Rian and drop off Aunty Ashley so we made a quick exception!

Day 4
Sleeping with his sock monkey...so precious
Hi Mom!
The nurse "beating" Rian's back while he lounged and watched Dora...better than a back massage! LOL.
Cheese! He was so happy to have no more tape on his face!
Shawn brought us dinner so yummy! He acts like a big kid but is an adult so he was okay to visit :)

Other pics from the last two days since we have been home
Rian showing Daddy how to use a screwdriver!
Aunty Ashley and Neya hammin' it up!
Rian in a cute little hoody, looking all grown up!

Rian is HOME!!!

Yesterday we got discharged from the hospital. We took him home around 10 or so and it was great. He was so excited to see outside and smell the fresh air and then we shut all the windows to keep the cold out. Haha. He is going to have to accept being bundled up more and mommy fussing over him constantly. NOT that I don't already but it will get worse I am sure.

All day when he would cough we would pound on his back like they would in the hospital. This helps to break up any last reminents and he sounds great. His coughs are getting clearer and clearer and his demeanor is well...back to normal. He was back to wanting to roughhouse with his sisters, and eating normal and of course throwing fits just as expected EVERY time we told him no. Man, he sure got used to getting his way during his stay in the hospital!

We are still not giving him very much milk to help with keeping him less "flemmy" sorry guys for the grossness. So we are sticking to lots of water and ugh...juice. I am not a fan of juice but we are finding alternates that have a little bit of something in them, like propel or gatorade or whatever has NOT to much sugar. If you know what we went through and are still going through with Carina you will know why I have such an aversion to giving babies and toddlers juice and such.

Speaking of, today I have to take her to the dentist, this should be fun.

Well that is how our life is going right now, Rian is "healthy" and we only have one more day of antibiotics to give him, he takes it pretty well so thats good! Now if I could just fight this cold that I am starting to get...cause until I do my snuggle time with Rian is cut way low to avoid him getting sick any more!

Thanks everyone again, for all your thoughts, I will keep ya posted AND post some of the last pics from the hospital stay. Dad has the camera in his car today.

Update: Rian. Work. Life.

RIAN Update:

So here we are on day 5 of being in the hospital. As of last night we NOTHING hooked up to him except when he slept. When he would go to sleep they would come in and put a Oxygen Monitor up to his toe and watch to see how steady his oxygen level stayed. It drops when you sleep but if he kept it around 92% they said that was fine. He did. He has now been off any help of the oxygen mask for nearly 48 hours, he has NO wheezing as of yesterday afternoon and has had no breathing treatments since yesterday afternoon as well. He is doing better, however they weighed him last night and he has lost a pound since he has been in there. That makes me sad. Mostly because although he looks big he really isn't so that weight lost is kinda sad to me. He is in good spirits, and running around when we let him but of course he will still make me worry.

I believe (fingers crossed) that we might be able to take him home TODAY, I know they keep telling us this, but like I said...with Rian all hospital stays seem to get dragged out longer than they expect initially. I am just waiting for the Text from RC to tell me...LEAVE WORK...COME GET US!

All in all he is doing great, so I am glad. I think for all this was something that again, tied us to Rian in a different way than our other kids. Its not more love or less love but its a different love. A different "perspective" kinda love.

ANYWHO...onto other things.

WORK Update:

Well I went into work and talked to one of the "higher ups" and told them what was going on in case my boss had not relayed anything. I didn't want them see me coming in short days (even though I still work the whole day via the hospital) and think it was unapproved. So I told them what was going on and to my surprise they understood my sitch, even went through something similar. NO that doesn't mean I heard that it is fine to miss tons of work and to tend to my family but I did hear that they value me but perhaps right now at this point with my kiddos and life that the position I currently hold just isn't what I need. My ears kinda got numb but I did hear stuff about part time, or different department or something! Haha. Yes I know. I am lame. Either way I have to make a choice is what it comes down to. I will be honest, it sucks. I worked REALLY hard to get to where I am but I have a great support system (even I take my frustrations out on my husband...sorry hun) and they will help me through it all.

For me its more that I HAVE always chosen my babies and I don't want to feel guilty or the need to apologize (which Tiff, thanks for making me feel normal in admitting you felt the same way) every time my kids are sick or I miss a day. I guess for me the non management role is just best right now. I just hope they really stick to their word and keep me around. Man, not crying during all of this is insane, but you gotta hold it together to at least FEEL like you have it all figured it out 99% of the time.

There is more but honestly right now I am more focused on Rian and work can wait for its OWN update blog...Like after they fire me. haha. JK.

LIFE Update:

All of this made us realize its a short span of time when you have kids that you make choices and change them as well just to do whats right. You don't always have the answers but you always have a choice. May not be the choices you want to make but rather the choices you need to make, but either way, every single time if you go with your HEART it will ultimately be the right decision for you.

I realized that for everyone else it was easy to LOOK at Rian and say "goodness, he is totally normal" and to put him in NORMAL situations like daycare, but HONESTLY, what it comes down to is he is not normal. This was our first reality check of how different he is and how FAST things affect him different than our other kids. Doesn't make me resent him or our life or his heart for growing a little backwards but it does make me thankful that we have this challenge in our life, because HONESTLY I think its the only thing that would keep our perspective on the right track.

All to often when you don't have to worry about your kids health as they are 100% or growing your family cause its come so easy to you but may not to others, or maybe you take your job for granted because you can do it while you sleep...that's when you forget about how hard the next person may have it. We weren't the worst in PICU but to us it felt the worst. TO US, our sick kid we took for granted and it was that quickly that we were fed a big dose of reality.

To everyone that may read this, take a look at your life today, is there anything you may take for granted even just a tiny bit...if so, step back and appreciate it. Give it more attention than normal, whatever it is, it might make your heart a little stronger and your life a little better :)

Guilty

I have great updates about Rian...

He is currently off oxygen and we even fed him dinner (fruit and fries haha) and we got to walk around with him...until they reminded us he is contagious and we were confined to our room. With any luck he will be sent home tomorrow but if I know our history with Rian that will get dragged on. mostly because I truly think he likes to make sure we are good and stressed until he cuts us some slack.

Now onto the guilty part because as chipper as I am about his good standing that is the feeling I am feeling right now.

I am at home. Rian-less. I rushed home to make sure i got some clothes ready for work and to let my sister and her dad and my lil' bro in the house. Why are they coming you ask...well because of my work of course. I have alays had to take a lot of time off work due to the past my job being more flexible than RC's. Once we had Rian both sides kind of changed. I still needed time off...more actually...and RC's job got a little more flexible. We were more equipped to take time off for the girls school functions and rotate field trips and so on. However with Rian and all his appointments we both go. If you have ever known what it is to have your future...your kids future lie in the fate of each doctor appointment and the good or bad news it may bring you know that every one requires a support sytem.

Recently I took more time off than normal. Rian has been sick more and I just feel bad not playing my part. This last week on Thursday even though Rian was (clearly) sick as a dog...I felt guilty and like a failure for missing...work. I felt like I was a horrible employee for putting my family first. The kicker...when I got to work my boss was nice but basically let me knows my attendance sucked and he had been leniant for a while but it needed to get fixed. I said I understood was working to get better but that all stemmed from me telling him I needed to leave to take Rian back to the doctor at noon cause I knew something was wrong. I left at 330 and was still feeling guilty for leaving at all.

The end result was that...I realized I became the person I never wanted to be. I was the person who actually put my job before my family. Guilty. Now here I sit. Blogging from my bed while my son is in the hospital so I could get at least 4 hours of sleep and be at work extra early to get some things done. Why? Because I don't want to lose my job. I need my job. I need the income. I clearly need the insurance but when did that become more important than my kid. I emailed my boss. I called and left a voicemail. He may have gotten it but I never heard from him and honestly that makes me fear that he just didn't care...care to let me know it was okay to miss work.

I know this is a lot of rambling but when Rian was the hospital the first time coming home to his empty room was torture. Now here I am again. Alone and no Rian in his bed. It breaks my heart and makes me cry and feel shameful for even being here...because a job is a job. However...when it seems like its what makes or breaks your livelihood how do you honestly put it second.

This whole ordeal makes me look at things different. Makes me realize I have my priorities slithly skewed. I feel guilty for so many reasons and although Rian will survive...cause daddy is with him...what happens the next time...what happens when I don't take a sick day cause I don't wanna hurt my job to take him to the doctor and it is something serious all over again...

ugh. guilt. sucky feeling.

It's me. RIAN!

Hello everyone!

Here I am at the hsopital and trying to be a big boy. Yesterday was a good day and I wanted to update everyone on what has gone on. I woke up in the morning still having to use the oxygen in my nose and was still pretty tired. I could hardly keep my eyes open and even giving mommy and daddy hugs wore me out. So lots of nap time for me.

The day went on and I got another breathing treatment, which I cried the entire time through, and they "beat me" which means they took a face mask from my breathing machine and soft side down pat my back like they are burping me and broke up all the junk in my lungs. The first time they did this it scared mommy because I was passed out, eyes closed and she just saw the nurses over me beating my back. She thought something happened and jumped right off that bed in my room! It was funny, at least for me and the nurses.

I was still only able to drink "clear fluids" which means pretty much everything BUT milk and that made kind of sad. I am used to getting ready and taking a bath and drinking my bottle, then getting jammies on and heading to bed with a full tummy of milk and right now I can only drink juice and that stuff goes right through me! Mommy and Daddy have to change my diapers ALL the time. No fun.

Yesterday I got visitors and that was pretty exciting even though I slept through MOST of it. Matt brought Xander and my sissies down. I was tired and they were sad to see me hooked up to machines but Carina said that she was happy that it didn't look as bad as the first time I was in the hospital. She was right. This time I didn't even have an IV by the time she saw me. PHEW.

Then for lunch time (where I AGAIN enjoyed my juice bottle) Shawn came and visited and brought mommy and daddy El Bravo, some yummy mexican food that mommy only gets to eat every now and then. I cried for a little bit while Shawn was here, I just wanted to put on a show and make him feel bad for me :) I am tough, but he doesn't have to know that.

The rest of the day went by pretty easy, I slept, mom and dad stressed over every alarm I set off and by the end of the day everyone was exhausted but I still didn't want to fall asleep. Around 11 I finally decided to lay down but kept everyone up about every hour and Sheesh, those nurses they don't want to let you sleep either! They wake me up every 4 hours whether I like it or not!

At 6am this morning dad went home to rest, take a shower and get himself put back together and wash the blankets I peepeed on. WHOOPS. The dogs and kitties were glad to see him but I was more glad to see him when he got back and he brought me and mommy pancakes. I was happy I got to eat again! Yummy.

That is about it for me.

Update for today:

I am on no oxygen right now to see if I am stable enough to start my 24 hour count of being "oxygen free" and I am going to get down to the NORMAL pediatrics unit later today. They just have to wait for a bed to be ready. I have TWO more days of antibiotics left and I have to be here for that, so hopefully by Wednesday I will be back home. The bad news is I can't go back to daycare until they give me the 100% okay from the doctor and that can be up to two weeks, Guess mommy and daddy will have to figure out work.

Anyways, that is all I have energy to type (they should make me the E Trade baby, I am way cuter than he is) but thank you everyone for thinking about me and checking out my blog today! I will update you tomorrow but for now here are some pics that my camera happy mommy took!

Me and Shawn:

Me and my SISSIES! I love them!

Play time in my FIRST room

YUMMY FOOD!

Play time in my SECOND room!

My Sweet X-Ray, the CLOUDY part is my Pneumonia :(